You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
