i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
