I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
