The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
