I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
