I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
