as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
