need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
