Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
