babies were throwing up all over the place
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
