I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
