You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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