my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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