Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
