You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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