if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
