My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
