There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
