Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He passed out mid-signature
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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