her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
