I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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