Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
