he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
