I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
