I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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