Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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