There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
