all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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