when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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