there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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