You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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