insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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