seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
