we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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