Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
