I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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