No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
