I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
