the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
