I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
