You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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