it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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