you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
