i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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