FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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