i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
