My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
