Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
