Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
