My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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